Archive for the 'How to be good at….' Category

Step by Step Guides to Many Life Things

How to be good at being a Self- Help Guru

1)      Do you like to smile a lot and cry about how beautiful the sunset is?  If yes, continue.  If not, smoke pot.
2)      Spread your strong arms wide and smile, revealing massive white teeth.
3)      Wear a head set always. Even in bed and during sexy sexy time.
4)      Write a book and come up with a catchphrase that means everything and nothing at the same time.  Options include:

   Your dreams are aspirations to become realizations!

    Seize the day, let go of the night!

    If you follow your dreams you build your life by visualization of reality!

   The only thing preventing you from realizing your potential is meat lovers pizza after 9 PM

5)      Promise total fulfillment with the least amount of work.
6)      Tell your readers to set goals and reach those goals.
7)      Use metaphors, parables and exclamation points liberally!
8)      Smile, hug hard and keep that head set on!

Facts are true.

How to be good at being an Evangelical Christian

1)      Can you take as fact that a piece of bread that you put in your mouth is the body of a man who was born 2012 years ago and the wine you drink is his blood?  If yes, continue.  If not, your grip on reality is real. Unfortunately you are also existentially alone in this universe and life has no meaning.
2)      Read the entire Bible.  Old and new.
3)      Start arguments by saying “The Bible says…” and ignore the fact that the Bible also advocates, among other truly abominable things, slavery and genocide.
4)      Geno·cide [jen-uh-sahyd] n.” the deliberate and systematic destruction, in whole or in part, of an ethnic, racial, religious or national group of people.
5)      Do not wonder why god is male or the first Anglo Saxon to have lived in the Middle East.
6)      Live in the name of your male god.
7)      Return to the dark ages.
8)      See how much it sucked.
9)      Come over to the agnostic side; it’s warm over here.

This dude does not look Middle Eastern.  How’s that work?

Oh yeah, it’s that crazy Christianity again.

How to be good at being a poet

1) Can you see the world from 200 miles above the earth and 27 years into the future? If so, continue. If not, know that it’s a nice view.
2) Make it so when people look in your eyes it’s like the first time they ever heard Gotye’s Somebody That You Used to Know on blast.
3) Take a long time to respond to all questions.
4) Capture unspeakable feelings and moments.
5) Write in extended metaphors on top of extended metaphors.
6) Make sure there is something in there, albeit obliquely, about the seasons and time.
7) If still stuck, make your poems completely indecipherable and mess with line

Indentations

paragraphs

and CaPitIzaTion

 

8 ) Get a job as a professor.  No one reads poetry.

However…

This guy’s website says he still swings super fly ladies with his poetic rhymes.

His motto: ” Sometimes one must venture through the forest to emerge at the picnic.”

How to be good at being a fitness trainer

  1. Do you agree with the statement? : If you are beautiful on the inside, no one cares, but if you are beautiful on the outside it makes everyone happy. If yes, continue.  If not, check your values- this is 2012 folks.
  2. Skim a weightlifting book.
  3. Doesn’t matter which one.
  4. Say the word “core”  at least every three sentences.
  5. Never work out with your client because you have already worked out today.  Twice.
  6. Tell your client to eats lots of salmon, quinoa, and kale.
  7. Design specific protein window schedules for your clients.
  8. Sleep with your client if it is mutually agreeable. Make sure it’s a core workout.
  9. As you now know it’s all about reps.  Start at Step 2.

 

Where do you go from here?

How to be good at being a supremely physically attractive male

1)      Do you have wide, hard shoulders, that cut where your oblique meets your hip (if you have to ask, you don’t), great hair, wonderful bone structure, clear skin, 2 days stubble and eyes that make women think they are having a warm drink overlooking an alpine lake?  If yes, read on and please, for once, realize how lucky you are.  If not, continue living in normal reality.

2)      Don’t be super religious.  It’s just a waste.

3)      Wear protection.  Unless you just want to “go for it.”  That, though,  is the wrong answer to a math problem.

4)      Know that your  pickup line is either simply looking a woman in the eye or saying “Hi, my name is (insert your one syllable name)”

5)      Be mysterious. How?  Don’t say too much.

6)      Don’t go bald, it’s bad for your look.  Unless you’re Jason Statham.

7)      Keep a calendar to keep track.

8)      Marry late.

9)      Have unprotected sex.

10)  Teach this all to your son.

These dogs do not hunt.

 

How to be good at cleaning your place in 12 minutes for an amorous encounter

    1. Are you single and would you say yes to a booty call?  If yes, continue.  If no, I get it.  Kind of.
    2. Create ventilation.
    3. All outstanding clothes in the closet.
    4. Focus on the toilets.  Clean furiously.
    5. Make sure the bedsheets are presentable and smell like nothing.
    6. All dishes in the dishwasher. No dishwasher?  Put them in drawers or under the sink.
    7. The doorbell rang.  That’s her.
    8. Keep the lights low.
    9. If it’s not love, wear a glove

      Wait, I don't get it.

      .

 

How to be good at fixing appliances

 

    1. Can you read? If yes, continue. If not, I have no idea how you got this far
    2. Find the owner’s manual.
    3. Realize  you are reading the French language section.
    4. Go to the English language section
    5. Find out how to fix it.
    6. Fix it.
    7. Non- chalantly tell someone who will be impressed by this.

Just put the wires in their homes.

How to be good at skateboarding

1) Are you under 25 years old? If yes, continue. If not, buy a bike.

2) Put a hat on askew.

3) Pretend like you care about nothing

4) Drop your pants to the middle of your ass crack.

5) Make sure you are doing #4.

6) Smoke a cigarette.

7) Never wear elbow pads, knee pads or a helmet when trying super hard aerial moves in a concrete pool.

8) Don’t talk too much.

9) Stop skating on your 25th birthday.

Stop it.
Any speed is too fast.

How to be good at sex when you’ve never done it before

1)      Are you a virgin? If yes, continue. If not, stop being a pervert.

2)      Take it very, very slow.

3)      No, slower than that.

4)      You’re going too fast.

5)      Now it’s over.

6)      Wait.

7)      Try again.

8)      Don’t read this ever again.

You cannot unring a bell

How to be good at dancing when you don’t know how to dance

  1.  Do you have no rhythm but a lot of confidence? If yes, proceed. If not, you should have some confidence.
  2. Do not move your hips violently.
  3. Move your hands around a lot to take attention away from your hips
  4. See if you can mimic the hip movements of someone of the opposite sex who knows how to dance.
  5. It is easier if you are very close to this person.
  6. Proceed with caution and confidence. 
  7. Stop moving your hands a lot if you are very close to said person
  8. Quit before you get uncontrollably sweaty and swampy the dance monster comes out.  

 

Denim Sex